So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
