Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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