he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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