I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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