My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
