I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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