I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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