I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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