were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
