Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
