i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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