If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
