Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
