Your mouth is God's brothel.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
