We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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