I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
