At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
