You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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