My friends, they love my intelligence
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
