I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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