I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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