I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
