I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
