saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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