I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
