I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
