What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
