and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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