Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize