u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he thought i was a dude.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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