I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
