Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
