GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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