No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
