It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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