When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
