i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So vagazzling was a success
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize