are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize