I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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