I haven't been this sober since birth.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
