I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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