the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
