after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
