All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it was like eating out sand paper
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
