What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
