hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
