every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
