Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Shame is for Republicans.
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