your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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