Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
