the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
