not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
