To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
