just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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