thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
