I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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