I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Who died my cat blue again?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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