Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
