I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
