You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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