Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
