i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
