My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
