I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
