have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
