She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
