Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
tell me about the eggs
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
