the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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