I cannot find my penis.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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