spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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