U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
