Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
